This post originally existed in Jan 2016, until I was hacked last month. Luckily it still existed on the WordPress version of my site.
(what a beautiful picture this is. finding beautiful, fat bodies is so important I feel to plus size people. Society tells us we aren’t attractive, images portraying us as such are worthwhile surrounding yourself with)
Sex when you no longer loathe your body is a very different experience to all the years where you did.
I’ve always kept self-hate talk away from my spoken vocabulary. I thought both myself and my sexual partners knew of my shortcomings already and it would only embarrass us all and make things awkward to verbalise it. I spent so long desperately trying to hide the fact I was fat (*lol* I know right, I’m not sure how I fooled myself this was an achievable task) that it took up more space than the fun of having sex.
Lights were kept soft with a lamp on the floor, light on in the next room, etc. but not off as I’d read in those women’s magazines, which are not worth the ink they waste, that men (most of my sexual encounters have been with cis men) hated complete darkness. Plus, like I already said: ego. I wanted my pretty to be seen but I would avoid positions where I was on top or ones where I would be on all fours.
I strongly believe until you let go of your internal fatphobia you cannot begin to love yourself as a fat person. If you have limits on fat acceptability then you have already lost. (that doesn’t mean you can’t change though!) It’s a self-sustaining growth cycle, the more you find showing love and kindness to others, the more you accept your own body and the space it takes up.
You go from never wanting hands to roam in certain areas (NOT THE HIPS AVOID! Oh god, will they touch my stomach, will they notice it creases between it and my groin, especially when I am standing up) to actively craving those neglected areas be lovingly and sexily stroked. These hidden places, either hidden from your own view by folds, rolls and gravity or just from your mind so you can ignore being fat need extra attention to make up for their years, decades for some, of neglect.
It’s empowering fully accepting being FAT. I want those areas touched because they spent years being shamed for existing. I want and crave my whole body being touched, it’s all equal, it’s all good and it is all beautiful. Soft, wobbly, dimply: all of it. Being caressed feels more natural too, your partner isn’t framing their touches with avoiding areas you clearly highlight, if not with words with body language, as being No Go. They can travel all up a leg, all down from breast to stomach.
Giving yourself and allowing those you share a bed with full access to your body is lovely and it is powerful